General, Health, Marriage, Real Life, Uncategorized

Married couples share everything… including stomach bugs. :(

nosharingMy husband oh so generously infected me with his stomach bug, just in time for him to make a miraculous recovery. I’m glad he’s feeling better but I’m pretty unhappy. Stomach churny and nauseated. Jonathan feels bad for infecting me, but no way could he have known and I know he didn’t intend to. It is just part of sharing a home with people, passing sicknesses back and forth. Luckily Noah is with his bio-mom this week so he should be spared this particular bug. And I will recover, this isn’t the end of the world, but in the mean time I’m working from home today, doing what I can, but I feel pretty crap and don’t anticipate having the most productive day in the world.

A side effect of this bug is that I have sort of let WW go by the wayside while I have been sick, and basically just been focusing on eating what doesn’t make me feel like I’m going to die. On top of that, come this weekend I will be on vacation for a week, and while I will try to make good choices I am well aware that won’t always be possible. Basically, WW is on hold for the next two weeks. ūüė¶

General, Marriage, Uncategorized, Weight Loss

Successful first “week”

I have set up WW so that Friday is my weigh in day. That is how I always used to have it, and it always worked well. It gave me a weekend motivation (either to keep up the awesome work, or to do better this coming week), and it reset my weeklies in case I had anything special planned for the weekend that would take extra points. So even though I just started back up on WW on monday, this week is now done, and the results are in…

Capture6lbs down since Monday!

It is actually really interesting to have weighed myself every morning and seeing the steady drop. I am fully aware that most/all of this was water weight, but at the moment I’m not caring so much about that. Right now I am choosing to focus on the major decrease in my weight, and a steady daily decrease at that. Take the victories where I can get them. I know that every week moving forward is not going to look like this, but man.. what a great way to start. Feeling good.

This morning when I walked into the kitchen my husband looked at me and said I was looking really good. I told him that I was down 6lbs and he congratulated me and then added that it was definitely noticeable. I think he is right. Water weight or not, my gut was enormous and I was looking/feeling pregnant. I swear my stomach was sticking out farther than my breasts. Today, though, I am feeling much less puffy and much more “flat”. My stomach no longer protrudes, so now my torso is closer to a P shape than a D shape. PROGRESS!

You know what’s great? Having a husband who never makes me feel like his love or attraction to me is dependent upon my weight, but still masterfully supports and encourages my efforts to lose weight. He encourages me and supports me and congratulates me because he knows it is important to me and he is happy I am seeing successes at something I’m working hard at. I imagine it is a difficult balance to strike, and not everyone would be able to do it, but he really has. So thankful for that. So thankful for him!

Depression, General, Marriage, Real Life, Uncategorized

When I’m down I can’t get up

depressed-depression-girl-hate-head-favim-com-111281_large-300x192Being a sufferer of depression I know that there will always be a certain amount of variability to my moods, and even with my medication I know there will always be the occasional bad day. There will always be things that I have a higher than average amount of difficulty coping with, and there will always be things that I flat out can’t/shouldn’t do in case it triggers out an especially bad emotional tumble. But when it comes to the day to day variance I’m usually able to claw my way through within a day or two without having to do anything drastic.

This is a part of my life with depression. I know it. I know how it ebbs and flows. I can handle it.

Then there are times, though, where the mood dip is bigger and more significant. These are the very bad times. There is usually an identifiable trigger point for them, such as a lot of stress at work, or a long stretch of really poor sleep. This time it was a joking comment my son’s bio-mom made about moving away to another city (presumably with Noah) because of how hot it is here, and the possibility¬†of not having that kid in my life struck me down. It is slightly interesting how something small can have such a huge on my psyche, but mostly it is terrifying to know and see just how easily I can be tossed back down into my own personal hell in my mind.

Right now I am going through a major depressive episode, one of the worst I have had in years. Days of crying and crying, deep suffocating sadness, anxiety and fear without knowing why or what I’m so terrified of, feeling catastrophically and irreparably broken. It is so bad that my husband was very hesitant to leave me home alone yesterday (I called in sick) because he was worried that I would self harm. Thankfully that has never been a manifestation of my depression, but at the same time I do end up binge eating which is undeniably harmful. I’m not suicidal, but lifelong binge eating and morbid obesity isn’t exactly a non-issue. I reassured my husband that I won’t hurt myself, that the worst damage I’m likely to do to myself is eat so much that I get a stomach ache (which is exactly what happened). Food is one of the few things that my brain views as “good” when I am in this state, one of the few self-soothing activities I have when my depression is this bad. It is hard not to indulge it. I become so desperate for any sort of reprieve from these feelings that eating to the point of physical pain becomes preferable. I know people say that they “eat their feelings” but when I am like this I am eating so that I stop feeling for a while. Eating and sleeping are the only ways I get breaks in this seemingly endless onslaught of horrible feelings and thoughts eroding my self worth and destroying my life, so I do a lot of both.

One particularly horrible thing my depression likes to do is convince me that my marriage is about to end, that my husband is going to finally get fed up with having a broken wife. My disease tells me, very convincingly, that no matter how infrequent these bad periods are for me, they are still a huge nuisance and inconvenience for my husband and my good days aren’t good enough to warrant putting up with me on my bad depression days. Because, really, who would ever want to put up with this if they don’t have to? No one is perfect, fine, but I have trouble understanding how or why anyone would put up with having a spouse who goes through times¬†like this. He must live in daily fear of when the next bad period will hit.

It is hard not believing it when I am in the midst of one of my bad depressive episodes like I am now. I mean, look at me: I am broken and crying. I am emotionally unavailable to him, unable to show him the love and caring and affection he deserves. Unable to be the friend and lover and partner that he married and deserves. I can’t be the wife I want to be when I am like this, and that makes it worse. It makes my depression worse and it makes it so god damned easy to believe that he is going to divorce me because of it.

This disease is absolutely diabolical because it is self feeding. When I have bad episodes like this I start feeling angry and upset for having depression in the first place. I get depressed about being depressed. I get depressed over the effects the depression is having on my life, my career, my marriage, my relationship with my kid, my relationship with my friends, my health… because really, depression spreads and infects until it touches every aspect of my life. My life IS depression during these times.

I’m waiting for this episode to pass. I’m doing what I can to self-care. I’m getting the sleep that I need. I’m getting out and about with people as much as I can. I’m trying to engage in things that give me any small amount of pleasure.

This is a waiting game. I’m waiting to feel better. I will, eventually feel better.

General, Health, Marriage, Uncategorized

Ow city

My enthusiasm for getting back to my step aerobics class was admirable but apparently foolhardy. My legs are KILLING ME! So much muscle soreness, it is ridiculous, I’ve been hobbling all day. I really hope the next class doesn’t kill me this much, and realistically I know it won’t. It is shit sore days like this that are painful reminders of my recent inactivity but they also usually proceed a jump in my endurance and feelings of being more fit.

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On that note, I have been doing okay with my weight loss as of late. This week I have tracked my food (using my fitness pal) and eaten less because of it. The scale rewarded me with a multiple pound loss (about 6). I also got a fitness tracker, a Jawbone Up Move,  and that has been awesome. I love tracking data like this, from my steps to my weight to my mood to my sleep. Eggy (which is what I call it) has been just the thing to keep me motivated, more active, and tracking my food. Best 30ish dollars I ever spent.

 

Fucked up today though. Ate some sugar (quite a bit of it) and feel like shit for it. This slip up won’t define me or derail me, but it is frustrating. ¬†I wish I showed more self control and restraint today.

 

 

In other news, my amazing generous husband surprised me with pearls for Valentine’s day! Love!!

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