Had another successful week. Down a total of 8.2lbs now, which is pretty great. I was worried since I had such a good first week that I wouldn’t see much of a change this week, but apparently not. Losing 2.2lbs in a week is totally respectable. Weighing in every day is a bit overkill perhaps but I’m finding it really valuable in terms of seeing how variable my weight it day to day. On the one hand it can be discouraging seeing my weight go back up to 266 like it did on monday, but overall this is serving to help me not freak out over the scale. A day or two (or three or four) don’t matter so long as my weight has an overall downward trend.
I continue to find following the program pretty natural and easy. I have a few go-to meals now that I pretty much stick to. It makes staying within my points pretty effortless.
Current go-to meals:
Fried egg wrap (15SP)
2 eggs fried in 1 tsp of butter
1 cheese slice
Egg in a hole (11SP)
2 slices GF multigrain bread (Kinnickinick)
1 tsp butter
Dill Pickle Coleslaw (3SP)
2 tbsp Hellmann’s Mayo (full fat)
a bit of pickle juice
1/2 cup quick oats (dry)
1 tsp butter
2 tsp brown sugar
1 tbsp chocolate chips
Meal Salad (2SP for vinagrette + ~5SP for the protein)
various veggies (cucumber, onion, carrot, celery)
1 tbsp balsamic vinegar
1 tsp olive oil
Whatever protein we have
sliced up steak (5oz/6SP)
1/2 honey garlic sausage (5SP)
Banana Fondue (6SP)
1 tbsp chocolate chips
1 tbsp peanut butter
Lettuce Wraps (8SP)
4 rice paper wraps
1/2 tbsp sesame oil
1/2 tbsp olive oil
1 tbsp tamari (GF soy sauce)
* The large Udi’s Gluten Free tortillas are obnoxiously high point, 6SP for one. They are delicious but quite pointy and frankly pretty expensive, which is why I switched to the egg in a hole with the Kinnickinick break. Lower point, more filling, and costs less. I’m going to keep the Udi wraps around, but have them be a less common thing.
In other news, I got a new phone! Welcome to the world of less-crappy selfies! Woo!
I have set up WW so that Friday is my weigh in day. That is how I always used to have it, and it always worked well. It gave me a weekend motivation (either to keep up the awesome work, or to do better this coming week), and it reset my weeklies in case I had anything special planned for the weekend that would take extra points. So even though I just started back up on WW on monday, this week is now done, and the results are in…
6lbs down since Monday!
It is actually really interesting to have weighed myself every morning and seeing the steady drop. I am fully aware that most/all of this was water weight, but at the moment I’m not caring so much about that. Right now I am choosing to focus on the major decrease in my weight, and a steady daily decrease at that. Take the victories where I can get them. I know that every week moving forward is not going to look like this, but man.. what a great way to start. Feeling good.
This morning when I walked into the kitchen my husband looked at me and said I was looking really good. I told him that I was down 6lbs and he congratulated me and then added that it was definitely noticeable. I think he is right. Water weight or not, my gut was enormous and I was looking/feeling pregnant. I swear my stomach was sticking out farther than my breasts. Today, though, I am feeling much less puffy and much more “flat”. My stomach no longer protrudes, so now my torso is closer to a P shape than a D shape. PROGRESS!
You know what’s great? Having a husband who never makes me feel like his love or attraction to me is dependent upon my weight, but still masterfully supports and encourages my efforts to lose weight. He encourages me and supports me and congratulates me because he knows it is important to me and he is happy I am seeing successes at something I’m working hard at. I imagine it is a difficult balance to strike, and not everyone would be able to do it, but he really has. So thankful for that. So thankful for him!
In my third day back on Weight Watchers, and so far it has been a snap. Already down 2.6lbs, though that is definitely just water weight, but hey I’ll take it. Even though all the point calculations have changed and the site/app are very different, I’m finding it all very familiar and simple. I guess all the time I spent on WW years ago haven’t fully been erased. Tracking everything is no problem, and so far I have actually been having trouble eating all of my points. And it isn’t like I was short a point or two, I have been short like ten points. I’ve eaten some extra stuff to get closer to my point goal, but moving forward I’m trying to not get into situations where I have to work to be able to eat enough of my points. Part of the issue obviously is that I don’t eat breakfast and have no desire to start, so it is generally those calories that I am probably having to make up in the evening.
The only real hurtle of mine is the activity = more food thing that WW has as a built in option. Right now I have it set up so that my weeklies are eaten before my “Fit Points” (FP), but I may actually put it to that I don’t get to eat the FP. I’m sure part of my gym obsession of days past was largely due to the fact that the more I worked out/exercised, the more activity points I earned, the more I could eat. I still want to go to the gym, but I don’t want it to turn back into a food motivation. Going to the gym for the reason of being able to eat more is pretty ass backwards and I just want to do this RIGHT this time.
Let’s be clear, I have a long history of very disordered eating habits and disordered behaviour when it comes to food. I’ve lost the weight that I have using different techniques that, rather than addressing the disordered eating, just channeled it into a different type of disordered eating by becoming obsessive about details or foods or whatever. I worked around my eating problems, rather than solved them. I don’t think my struggle with my weight and eating will ever end, this will be a lifelong thing for me, but I think I need to address and correct the disordered eating (not re-channel it) if I really want to truly be healthy. I want to be successful but also do it in a way that isn’t just a new type of disordered eating/thinking. And I think I can do that. It is just going to take some major retraining and reprogramming. Probably a lot more work in correcting that than there will be in losing weight.
Back in the day, back in 2008, I was 335lbs and decided to do something about it. I joined Weight Watchers Online and my local gym, all in the same day. A year or so later I was down to 250ish, which was awesome. I was able to maintain that for a long time, despite letting my WW membership lapse. And about a year and a half ago I got down to 235lbs thanks to going low carb. I hit the 100lbs lost mark.
Then life happened.
Got majorly derailed and despite multiple attempts to get my feet back under me I just haven’t been able to get back on track.
Today I am 271lbs.
Yeah. I’m disgusted with myself.
Enough is enough. I rejoined WW this morning. The site has changed a lot, but it all feels very familiar. I feel good about this choice. It lets me do the low carb thing during the week/whenever, but I can take a detour from that without viewing it as a “Well, I’m not low carb so I may as well eat all the things” thing. Know what I mean? I can eat low carb when it works and it is convenient, and eat not super low carb (but still stay on track) at other times. It gives me structure and boundaries for non-low carb times.
I normally do intermittent fasting (IF) when doing keto and have an easy time about it. Fat coffee for breakfast and then nothing until suppertime. Bam. No problem. It’s great. Frankly, the fact that keto seems to have dulled my hunger is a huge selling point.
Well, the past 2 days I have been hungrier than I can even understand. I haven’t changed my eating at all, no new foods coming in to play. Yesterday I had my fat coffee as per usual but was FAMISHED by 10am. I had to eat, so I went to Wendy’s and got a bunless burger. Still, by dinner time I was again absolutely starving. I ate my supper of my husband’s special BBQ pork ribs (without sugary BBQ sauce, don’t worry) but it barely even put a dent in it, so I made myself a taco salad. FINALLY I felt satisfied.
Woke up this morning starving again. Had my fat coffee and that took the edge off but frankly it barely put a dent in it. I figured I’d be pro-active so I brought some havarti to snack on at work throughout the day if the hunger got crazy again. It is 9:30am and I just ate all the havarti….
Why the hell am I so flipping hungry!?! I’m getting in all my water, I’m good for my electrolytes, and I’m not eating at some crazy deficit. If anything I should be eating at more of a deficit. I generally can tell the difference between “brain hunger” and “body hunger”, and this feels fully body driven rather than food/craving triggered. The only thing that has changed is that last week I started attending a strength training class at the gym (twice a week), but I don’t think that would be enough to change my body and my hunger levels this much.
My husband has long been worried about my obsession with going to the gym, or at least how obsessive I can get about it. Back when I first started losing weight in 2007 I was going every single day, sometimes twice a day. I pushed myself HARD and saw some pretty incredible results. I was doing 60 minutes of cardio on the elliptical most days, plus did Group Power, which is a strength training class at my local YMCA. I LOVED it and holy mother of god, was I strong. I was was using weight levels equal to that of most of the men in the class, and way above what the rest of the women were using.
But then, maybe 7 years ago, I was going to Group Power all the time. Too much. Of course, I overdid it and injured my shoulder pretty majorly and never took the time off to let it heal so I just kept reinjuring it. Plus, I wasn’t being smart about my ankles, so I spent most evenings limping and icing my ankles. Ultimately had to stop Group Power altogether because I was making so many stupid choices that my body was becoming a big janked up mess. Had to go to physical therapy and athletic therapy to try to get my should functionality back, and even know it is still kinda janky.
It was around this point that my husband became very resistant to my continuing to go to Group Power since I seemed unable to do anything other than injure myself. So bye bye Group Power. 😦 I tried just doing my own strength training routine but it didn’t have the same appeal and I didn’t stick to it. It turns out I will never push myself as hard or get as good results as a class will. It is weird, but when I took away group power I took away a lot of my gym motivation. I tried switching to Group Blast (which is an intermediate/advanced step class), which hey… its fun. Its hard as hell, and my poor ankles are usually fairly grumpy about it, but it at least pushed me and challenged me. But still, I definitely lost my mojo. Frequency of my going to the gym went down until it was little more than a couple times a month. Hardly seemed worth the money…
When the move happened and we were doing up our new budget, my husband of course budgeted for my gym membership but I told him to just get rid of it, that I wasn’t getting the value out of it and that we should save that money. He, very wisely, said that if I thought that was the right thing to do then fine, but he would leave it in for now in case I changed my mind. I went and cancelled my membership… and then promptly had a bit of a cry in the car over it. I don’t entirely know why, but not having my gym membership felt wrong. To me, the gym represents my self-care space. It is where I go to feel better, if not physically then at least emotionally. Giving up the membership felt like giving up.
A couple nights later I had a talk with my husband about it. My problem was that I had totally lost that intangible thing that kept me motivated and engaged in fitness and healthiness and going to the gym. He asked what would help and I said without hesitation that Group Power was it. That my fitness and motivation and progress was never higher than when I was going to Group Power. He, of course, was reluctant to see me start back up at Group Power and have me hurt myself all the time, but eventually gave his blessing but made me promise to quit if I was injuring myself all the time again.
Last week I went and got my membership back, just a week after I cancelled it. I apologized for the back and forth but the people at the YMCA were good about it.
I went to my first Group Power class in 5 years on Monday.
It. Was. Amazing.
On the one hand I was horrified at how little I could life, how weak I was and how far I had fallen, but it still felt so good to get back there. I hurt like hell the day after but rather than discouraging me it motivated me to get back to a point where that workout wouldn’t destroy me. Managed to recover enough to get back to Group Power on thursday, and going again tonight.
Again, knowing that I get WAY better workouts when I attend the classes, I have decided to just rock those for a while. Group Power gets me the strength training, Group Blast gets me the cardio.
This is my current gym plan:
Monday: Group Power
Tuesday: Group Blast
Thursday: Group Power
Saturday: Group Blast
I have a lot of rest days built in, obviously, and that is on purpose. Where I’m just starting back up I don’t want to aim too high and then over do it and give up. I also think my body is going to be kinda grumpy at having to be worked so hard, so I’m making sure there is adequate recoup time. If I want to do something those days, fine, but I definitely am not setting any sort of expectations on those. 4 big workouts a week is good for now.
The goal is to get fit again, but obviously it is to help support my weight loss goals too. I know that for the first bit while my muscles adapt there is going to be some water retention and inflammation and whatnot, but in time I know that will level out and I’ll start to see some benefits.
I failed the first round of the diet bet. I am disappointed but not surprised. During the move I wasn’t too fussed about carbs, and frankly I was extremely active with the unpacking, moving, and painting, so I figured (hoped) it would all come out in the wash. And actually mid month I was on track to hit the goal. But I wasn’t being smart about liquor in terms of calories, its effects on ketosis, and the inevitable water retention and bloating it causes. My wedding rings were extremely tight and uncomfortable for a few days there, and of course they were the days just before the weigh in for the first round. Actually weighed in as the exact same weight as when I started my diet bet the first time I stepped on the scale. The second and third times I stood on it it showed 266.6lbs. So I lost 2.6lbs in the month of May.
I’m still optimistic, though… I’m at least losing. I know that is a bit of loser talk, but at the same time, any loss is better than nothing, and it is certainly better than the steady upward climb I was seeing.
I don’t want to be one of those people who hates their body, but jesus christ… I hate my body right now. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I hate what I have let my body revert to. This regain, more than past regains, has been a real mind fuck for me. I feel bigger right now than I did at 335lbs. I feel absolutely huge. I feel inflated and engorged. I feel painfully aware of my size. I’m seeing it in all sorts of ways.
The little biker shorts I wear under my dresses/skirts are tight. They have NEVER been tight. This is a first time thing.
My upper arms are just gigantic. Not that long ago I had lost enough from my arms and had enough excess skin that I could fold them over on to themselves, as a sort of weird horrible arm fat taco. That was bad and made me self conscious, but right now I’m so huge and puffed out that I have no excess skin. No folding. I hated the loose skin, but I would do almost anything to get back to the weight where I could fold my arms.
In addition to that, when I walk I very noticibly feel my arm fat rub against my side fat. I also really feel this when I’m sitting down, especially in the car. I really feel my fat rolls and my arms resting against my fat rolls.
My stomach was like my arms, loose and droopy. So much so that I could fold my stomach on to itself vertically. No folding going on now. Oh no. No folding at all.
My ponch also was wrinkled and loose and foldy. Not anymore.
My wedding rings feel tight.
I’ve started having trouble sleeping again, occasionally having sleep apnea events.
Its weird, it seems to have hit very suddenly. I feel like I went from feeling more or less fine to feeling like a huge puffed out hippopotamus overnight. Of course it wasn’t overnight, this is a long time coming and earned through a long period of terrible eating and basically being a jackass, but it FEELS sudden. Maybe I was just in denial of all the changes and it finally got to the point where my brain couldn’t ignore it any longer.
I had been avoiding the scale but I finally stepped on it two weeks ago.
I haven’t been this heavy in a very long time. It makes me furious with myself that I got this high again. It makes me doubly furious because a year and a half ago I was 238lbs.
So I have regained 30lbs, which is a LOT. This is a big regain and I am feeling extremely angry and discouraged. I’m angry that I half assed this for so long, that I put eating junky carbs ahead of my health. I’m angry that I stopped doing what was working and what was making me feel so good. I’m angry that I cle
arly am NEVER going to not going to struggle.
So two weeks ago I went to dietbet.com and joined the May 3rd “Transformer” game. I’ve never done a diet bet before, the whole thing is weird, but it seemed like a good idea for me. I clearly need motivation, something driving this beyond just “be healthy”. Basically, I put forward 125$ and so long as I lose 10% of my body weight over the next 6 months I will get it back with possibly more money on top of it. Obviously it is slightly more complicated than that, I have to lose certain amounts at each weigh in (described in the adjacent picture), but yeah. Short story is I am now working to get my money BACK. That’s a motivator for me, believe me.
I’m a week in and have lost 4lbs, which I should be happy about but I have more of a “Whoop-de-doo” response. I feel like it should be more or something. I need to remember that this will take time, that there is a reason why this is a 6 month long challenge.