I don’t want to be one of those people who hates their body, but jesus christ… I hate my body right now. Or maybe it would be more accurate to say that I hate what I have let my body revert to. This regain, more than past regains, has been a real mind fuck for me. I feel bigger right now than I did at 335lbs. I feel absolutely huge. I feel inflated and engorged. I feel painfully aware of my size. I’m seeing it in all sorts of ways.
- The little biker shorts I wear under my dresses/skirts are tight. They have NEVER been tight. This is a first time thing.
- My upper arms are just gigantic. Not that long ago I had lost enough from my arms and had enough excess skin that I could fold them over on to themselves, as a sort of weird horrible arm fat taco. That was bad and made me self conscious, but right now I’m so huge and puffed out that I have no excess skin. No folding. I hated the loose skin, but I would do almost anything to get back to the weight where I could fold my arms.
- In addition to that, when I walk I very noticibly feel my arm fat rub against my side fat. I also really feel this when I’m sitting down, especially in the car. I really feel my fat rolls and my arms resting against my fat rolls.
- My stomach was like my arms, loose and droopy. So much so that I could fold my stomach on to itself vertically. No folding going on now. Oh no. No folding at all.
My ponch also was wrinkled and loose and foldy. Not anymore.
- My wedding rings feel tight.
- I’ve started having trouble sleeping again, occasionally having sleep apnea events.
Its weird, it seems to have hit very suddenly. I feel like I went from feeling more or less fine to feeling like a huge puffed out hippopotamus overnight. Of course it wasn’t overnight, this is a long time coming and earned through a long period of terrible eating and basically being a jackass, but it FEELS sudden. Maybe I was just in denial of all the changes and it finally got to the point where my brain couldn’t ignore it any longer.
I had been avoiding the scale but I finally stepped on it two weeks ago.
I haven’t been this heavy in a very long time. It makes me furious with myself that I got this high again. It makes me doubly furious because a year and a half ago I was 238lbs.
So I have regained 30lbs, which is a LOT. This is a big regain and I am feeling extremely angry and discouraged. I’m angry that I half assed this for so long, that I put eating junky carbs ahead of my health. I’m angry that I stopped doing what was working and what was making me feel so good. I’m angry that I cle
arly am NEVER going to not going to struggle.
So two weeks ago I went to dietbet.com and joined the May 3rd “Transformer” game. I’ve never done a diet bet before, the whole thing is weird, but it seemed like a good idea for me. I clearly need motivation, something driving this beyond just “be healthy”. Basically, I put forward 125$ and so long as I lose 10% of my body weight over the next 6 months I will get it back with possibly more money on top of it. Obviously it is slightly more complicated than that, I have to lose certain amounts at each weigh in (described in the adjacent picture), but yeah. Short story is I am now working to get my money BACK. That’s a motivator for me, believe me.
I’m a week in and have lost 4lbs, which I should be happy about but I have more of a “Whoop-de-doo” response. I feel like it should be more or something. I need to remember that this will take time, that there is a reason why this is a 6 month long challenge.
I’ll get there…. One way or another…