I worked so hard this week. SO hard. I had to totally rework the component I had been working on for quite a while, having to totally change how the data is being loaded and passed between pages. It was a HUGE change and I only really heard about it Wednesday, but it had to be done ASAP because they were going to start testing on monday. Well, shit. okay. fine. I’ll do my best.
Well, I worked like a crazy person, worked through lunch every day, worked basically non stop for three days, but by god I got it done. Friday at 3:30 it was done. I sort of can’t believe it got it all done in so little time, but I did. Yay!
But no, no yay, because there was deployment issue and all my hard work is basically invisible to the client. They can’t access/see all the changes and work I have done, and it just bothers me so much. I worked so hard and I am being denied the “HURRAY!” moment I deserve. Rather than starting my weekend with this done and resolved and feeling like I have a win, I instead feel like … well, not a failure, but I feel like I’ve been robbed of what should have been a good moment.
But you know, this is work. this is work in the private sector. Hard deadlines. Pressure. Stress. Frustrations. Big rewards but also big expectations and big stress. I am pretty annoyed and upset that this got all messed up (again, not my fault) but I need to get used to stuff like this. This will not be the last time something stupid like this happens, where all my hard work gets derailed by things outside my control.
I have to say that while I do really like my job, it really is tremendously different from my old job. Private sector really is very very different from public sector. Part of that may be because of me, of the level of performance I demand from myself, the level of commitment I put in to the job, but totally aside from me, the work is just different. I clearly haven’t adapted to the difference yet, though. I’m having trouble striking a good work/life balance, and I clearly am not yet used to the realities of clients with lofty expectations etc.
I’ll get there, eventually. I do feel that this job, this work environment, is a good one and that I’m better suited to. Ultimately this is a good job for me. I just need to adapt.