Health, Uncategorized

Binge eating regression and regret

Current weight: 261lbs.

The damned scale even creaked and groaned when I stepped on it. This is the highest I have been in a long time and I hate myself for it. I’m having so much trouble sticking to keto, and the result is that I’m not losing weight and am actually gaining. I don’t even know what the big problem is, either. Keto in the past has not been so hard for me to stick to. It has actually been a lot easier for me to stick to than Weight Watchers, on which I lost like 60lbs. I’m just not in it to win it this time, I’m being slack, I’m making excuses, creating reasons to not stay keto.

 

Take yesterday. I have been doing really well staying keto for the past week and a half and I’ve been proud of it. Not seeing the weight loss but at least I was feeling like I was getting some traction. Then yesterday evening I cooked up a frozen gluten free pizza and ate the whole thing. I hated myself the entire time. I hated myself when I opened the box. I hated myself when I turned on the oven. I hated myself when I took it out of the oven. I hated myself when I ate the first piece and every piece thereafter. At each step I should have thrown it out, and at each step I thought about that, knew it, wanted to, but quite literally couldn’t. After one piece I was full but I didn’t stop, I kept eating until that whole pizza was gone. My compulsive/binge eating was in full god damned force and it was worse than it’s been in a long time. I sincerely didn’t feel in control of myself in a way I haven’t experienced in a long time. I wasn’t in control of my eating, and today, I am angry and frustrated and feel like a huge failure. I know that compulsive eating and binge eating will be something I struggle with my whole life, that I’ll never truly be free of it, but jesus Christ, I thought I was past this. I think that is why I’m so angry and upset. I feel like I have suffered a HUGE set back and I’m scared of what this might lead to.

 

The worst part and the scariest is that I nearly kept the whole thing secret. I chucked the evidence into the wood stove (the pizza box, etc). I effing burned the evidence! I could have easily kept the whole thing from my husband, it could have been my nasty horrible secret, but that was where I finally snapped out of it. I cannot go back down the road of keeping my binges and compulsive eating secret. That only leads to more bingeing, more eating, more self-loathing. So when my husband came home I told him. I told him I ate it all. He asked me why, and I said that I honestly didn’t know. He knows that binge eating and compulsive eating is something I deal with, and he knows it is usually an emotional response. I’ve been tired and stressed out at work lately, so maybe that is what triggered it, but… that just seems like an inadequate trigger for a binge event that big. I’m glad I told him, even though its humiliating. I can’t let this slide into the shadows. That is also why I’m posting about it here. Hiding my compulsive/binge eating just makes it worse.

 

So now I’m left wondering where to go from here. Do I go back to Weight Watchers and try to reclaim some structure and control? Do I keep trying with keto? Do I try something else? I feel desperate for a solution, a way through this. I feel desperate to get some of this weight off, to see some progress rather than regression. If I could get back to the 240s I would feel a lot better about myself, I would feel like I was making progress again. Maybe I need some sort of goal or reward. Something. I just know that right now I feel like a huge failure and I am terrified of getting back to 335lbs.

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