So I’m sitting here, in the bath tub, thoroughly enjoying the super cool neon bathtime fun light show thing I bought at the dollarstore, and I got to thinking about me, my health, my weight, my wellbeing – physical and psychological – and I thought about the things I want to achieve. I’ve been on a weigh loss path for nearly a decade now and had 100lbs to show for it for a while there. I’ve regained some and frankly I’m scared to step on the scale. I’ve been eating carbs and sugar like it was going out of style, and I guess in some ways it is because tomorrow I’m resuming my low carb high fat way of eating. I think I ate extra poorly the past couple weeks as a sort of “get it out of my system, eat so much sugar that I get sick of it” thing and I suppose it did work… I am sick of it. I am sick of feeling bloated and gross all day. I’m sick of my complexion going to hell. I’m sick of the stomach aches. I’m sick of being tried constantly. I am decidedly NOT sick of the taste of sugar, but very very sick of all the consequences of sugar. And rather than dreading going back on keto, I’m looking forward to it. Properly, honestly looking forward to it. Because I feel like ass right now. Since I went off keto I swear I have caught every bug going around, I am no fun at all to be around, my libido is pretty pathetic, and basically I just suck. I suck at life when I eat sugar. Truly looking forward to not having it anymore.
The big question in my mind is whether this will be the year when I finally hit my goals. Will this be the year I finish what I started almost a decade ago. I know realistically my fight with my weight will never end, I know this will be something I struggle with always. And that is a bitter pill to swallow, knowing that even when I reach my goal I will still be looking at a lifetime of work to maintain that goal, but I am pretty sure I am up to the task. I just want to GET THERE.
Christmas vacation has been great in so many ways, lots of quality fun time with my men, but it has been a bit of a kick in the junk for my self confidence and self perception. The sugar has made me feel very fat, I have absolutely gained weight, and I have hardly put any effort in to my appearance for the majority of the time. Basically I look and feel like shit. So tomorrow I hope to be back on a path to feeling good.